You're moving to where?

I spent the years from 2010 to 2013 doing a lot of complaining. I had finished my Ph.D., I was one year into a good job, I was in a dance company in New York City and yet I had somehow fallen prey to focusing on the things I didn’t have versus all the wonderful parts of life that I was able to enjoy. During those years, I lived in Brooklyn around the corner from one of my besties from high school. She somehow always tended to show up at my door right around the time I was getting ready to order take-out. Over noodles, we would talk about life and one night I went off on some long tangent about how hard it was to pay rent, how horrible the dating scene was in New York and the injustice of the long lines at Trader Joes. It never dawned on me that I was living in a fabulous apartment, lounging on a very expensive rug from Bloomingdale’s, munching on takeout food that cost more than some people make in an hour, and that I should have shut my privileged mouth as soon as I had opened it; but I pressed on. There I was with seemingly everything a mid-30s city diva could ever want, yet miserable and complaining to my friend who at the time was struggling to finish grad school and scrounge up enough cash to afford a decent dinner. Thankfully, my friend told me to stop.

Good friends will tell you a shirt looks good because they can tell that you kind of like it and they don’t want you to be disappointed, but best friends tell you take that hot mess off and find something else no matter how much you think you look good in it. They rip off the band aid without warning to remind you that ‘it ain’t about you boo’. Now imagine the freeze-framed moment of me with noodles hanging out of my mouth in shock that I should stop this so called “complaining”. The first thing that came to my mind was, “am I complaining?” and next was “crap, I’m a horrible human”. I chewed my food, swallowed and sat in silence. She then said, “you really need to start being a more positive person.” It was the dagger that I had been avoiding for a few years as it was easier to live in a state of complaining than to look myself in the mirror and admit that I was acting like an ingrate. That bandaid came off more like a Brazilian wax gone awry. I stared at her dead in the eyes searching for some kind of sympathy or help. She stared back at me chewing in silence. I didn’t know if I loved her or hated her and when I tried to look away she just kept staring. So I cried. She stared. I stopped crying. Breaking a rather long silence, except for the sound of her chewing, she said, “You need to start to manifest what you want in life”. In my practical, analytical, type A, science brain, I heard the word ‘manifest’ and immediately thought, “oh here we go with the weirdo hocus pocus stuff again”. She saw my hesitation grabbed my hand and said, “Cinda, you need to write what you’re grateful about every day. At least three things. Start to visualize what you want for your life.” It was such a simple concept and yet I somehow had never thought to do it. I was stunned. Then she stood up, grabbed my plate, washed the dishes and bounced.

That night, in the silence of my thoughts, I wondered how to entertain these ideas of ‘manifesting’ and ‘gratefulness’. I have always been a curious person so as any good scientist would do, I slept on it hoping that through osmosis, I would magically understand these concepts. In the morning, I walked to work in a haze wondering what in the world I was doing with my life. “Get a grip!” I could hear my mom saying in the back of my head. “Be grateful!” came another. I sat at my desk, turned on my computer and googled “how to manifest what you want in life”. I sifted through a bunch of non-sense, but came across a few interesting articles including how to make a vision board. By mid-morning I had crafted a mini-strategic plan and even made a word document entitled “Future”. My aunt who is deep into metaphysics gave me a mantra to post by my bed to remind me to open my heart. Soon, I was not just saying and writing down what I was grateful for each day, I was truly strategically plotting and planning what I wanted in life. For some, a life plan includes getting married, having a baby or finding the perfect job or mate. My problem was that I wanted everything. To start, I hoped for enough money to travel anywhere in the world, a job that provided intellectual freedom and curiosity, and a dog. You know, practical stuff. In 2013, with every commute to work, I dreamed of a different life. I dreamed of the ocean. I dreamed of sunshine. I dreamed of helping people. I dreamed of changing the world.

Me- “Hey mom”

Mom-“Hey pumpkin”

Me-“Umm, I’m moving to Panama!”

Mom- Silence.

Me- “Mom, I got the job!! I’m moving to Panama!! I am SO EXCITED!”

Mom-“You’re moving where?”

For a solid year, I practiced the manifestation of my life and I worked on being grateful. On a hot day in August of 2014, just two weeks before my contract in Panama was to start, I packed up my tiny, 12x20 foot studio apartment, placed all my worldly possessions in storage and said goodbye to New York City. My cycle of perceived sameness; wake up, hit snooze, wake up again, take shower, dress for work, leave work, dress for gym, leave gym, eat dinner, hang, sleep, was about to end forever. Some of my friends and family were confused by my announcement, others were surprised, but in the end, my mother knew that it was the perfect fit for her adventurous girl. I had a going away party at my favorite salsa club in Brooklyn with my best NYC friends and family. We danced the night away, and a few days later, I landed in the remote archipelago of Bocas del Toro, Panama.

Almost five years later, I am overwhelmingly grateful each and every day. I have traveled to more places than I ever thought I would, I get to teach future generations of conservation and marine scientists, I live on an island by the sea and I have a dog named Professor Webster. That said, a girl can continue to dream and I 100% believe in manifesting what it is that you truly want for yourself. We have just this one life. How are you going to live it?